TOILET TREES: NUMBER 2

There are some situations in life that you really have no control of. The Poo Diddy can often catch us by surprise. Nothing humbles a man more than those moments when he realizes what he just did and knowing there is only three one ply sheets of toilet paper left to clean it all up. I am just curious how many of us have done the booty walk of shame. You know when for whatever reason the napkins, paper towels or toilet paper is just too far away from the bowl and you have your pants down to your ankles. You have to make that walk to find something to clean yourself up with or yell to family member or friend, "We are out of toilet paper!" Then there are those messy moments when you miscalculate where you are whipping and...well you catch my drift. These are the things we as human beings want to forget but going to the bathroom is just a part of life. The main event of all my bathroom mishaps comes on date night. I cannot remember what exactly I was eating but I do remember halfway into the dinner my stomach started to hurt. I was in one those relationships where we never passed gas around one another and the thought of Number 2ing around each other was unheard of. You would think after 5 years of putting up with one another's shit one of us would have said the hell with it and dropped the bomb on the other the person in the shower but it never happened. This is what made the situation even more intense. I couldn't’t just drop my fork and excuse myself. There were social implications of paranoia in my head that this person would know that I was going to NUMBER 2. I had to squirm as long as I could as my stomach began to make funny sounds. The situation was building to the point where I could no longer eat my food. I was ready to explode! It was time make that walk and it seemed like everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. I started to notice the restaurant staff passing watching me with little smiles like they knew what was up. There was no time for a conspiracy theory though because I had to go. The bathroom door closes behind me and the only comfort I had was an empty bathroom. I wouldn’t have to worry about waiting because things were going to get real ugly real quick. I pace into the stall knowing that this would be a nail bitter. I check for the necessities clean seat, plenty of paper, empty bowl?…Empty bowl? Damn, okay just a little paper in it the bowl who cares what is under it right. I flush real quickly and then it happens. …The water begins rise. It was as if time stopped. I was in trouble there wasn’t going to me a miracle swoosh this time. There was no plunger in sight. The next 15 seconds would define the kind of man I would later become. I had never done the NUMBER 2 on myself and the thought of a NUMBER 2 of this caliber everywhere left me in a state of panic. I found myself right in front of the situation I had been accustom to leaving behind. Someone set me up. I knew once the toilet overflowed I was screwed. I was at a point where I was going to have the face the embarrassment of going on myself and having to explain to my date I pooped myself. I imagined the ride home and the awful smell. Then I realized I was going to have to be a man. The water had just about reached the lid when I reacted with my hand. I became a human plunger and unplugged the toilet...manually. I then proceeded to pull down my pants and have my Dumb and Dumber moment. I didn't look at my hands after works just washed them several times and went back to the table with a look of defeat. I told the story a few times but never went into detail until today. This was probably one of the more shitty situations I got myself out of in life. My date didn’t realize what happen and I avoided embarrassment once again. I truly believe these situations build character. You may not think you are learning anything at the moment of a crisis but how you react under pressure can save your ass...literally.
THE END?

TOILET TREES

There are certain things that you shouldn't talk about. Maybe it is because I grew up with nothing but sisters or had the perspective that it was dark evil my body expelled every time I went to the bathroom? For some reason I have noticed people are anal retentive when it come to going to the bathroom. It is a topic I wanted to wait to cover for that book I am always talking about but I started to notice when I told my stories of toiletries people often become uncomfortable and roll their eyes to forget the humorous things that happen to us when we go to the bathroom. I am going to talk some shit today. My colleague was caught off guard when I explained to him there is nothing worst when you are all showered and suited up, got about 6 minutes to spare when decide to sneak one in right before work. The time allocated for the Notorious NUMBER 2 is about the span of a cigarette for me. When the cigarette is complete it is probably time to start making harsh decisions about circumstances that are going to make you late. I always try to use just how many flushes and the survey the width of the toilet paper roll to determine how much time I have. The truth is my stories of tardiness may seem a bit farfetched but I am always honest about them. How do you call work and tell them you are running late because you just couldn't stop wiping your ass? This is why I have developed the cutoff point. It is when you tell your ass and mind that you aren't going to wipe it no more and program yourself to stop boo booing before you are late. It doesn't always work unfortunately and you have to know when to start your day over again and wash your ass. This honest attempt to male bond didn't really work. The guy looked at me like I just exposed a baboon butt and had toilet paper hanging from my tale. When I was about 8years old I remember overflowing my grandmother’s toilet and freaking out as I stood in a one inch of water with questionable things floating around me. I finally decided to ask my uncle for help who was visiting and I remember how pissed off he was. It was embarrassing and added to taboo around going to the bathroom. I remember laying my coat down in a very big stall overflowing the toilet and completely soaking my coat as I stepped away from the situation. Those were the situations I could walk away from. They became somebody else’s problem right? Don't get twisted it wasn’t because I keep plugging toilets up either because there is nothing worse than being dressed up with friends out and about and having to explain why your pants and shoes are wet because the goddamn urinal over flowed on you in mid stream and you didn't know what to do. There was this one time I was on my way to a wrestling show and I decided that the beer was too expensive at Allstate Arena in Chicago. I stopped on the Northside to get a buzz before the show because my cash flow was running low. Six beers later I was pretty trashed with 1.5 hours to spare before the show. I ended up in gridlock airport traffic and reach a point where I have to break the seal and go pee really bad. My only option was to slam the rest of the Monster Energy drink I had which made me have to pee even more and attempt one of my many blotched attempts to pee in a can. This had become a very intimate setting and my failed attempts to successfully complete this mission in the past were filling my head. I remembered the time that I cut myself on the can and lost control of the car while passing 2 cop cars. This was haunting me because I ended up wet from that experience. Since I was almost in park mode I could actually pull down my pant and lift my hips up while my foot was still on the break. The people around me in their cars started to notice. I was drunk and my only paranoia was making sure there were no police around. I developed the what he fuck are you looking at look to the people around. This shows this was becoming a normal event in my life when it came to alcohol and shows. I was doing well when my foot slipped of the break. This was a DUI just waiting to happen and the way the can was positioned on my crotch made it feel like the warmth made it feel like I was already peeing all over myself. I lost control of the situation quickly. I was left completely soaked in pee shirt to underwear. The cold of the wet started to kick in and of course traffic started to move. I was still on pace to make it to the show on time but I had to think fast. The normal person may have just ended the night but I was experienced with the term Hoe Bath and had a few supplies on hand. Baby wipes a small secret stash would eliminate the cleanliness factor. The underwear went out the window. I had taken off my hoodie before hand just in case which so I had a top to wear. Keep in mind I am driving while all this changing and cleaning was going on. There is nothing like going 90mph bare assed with one hand one wheel and a baby wipe in the other one. I could buy a new shirt at the show that was no problem which leads me to the pants situation. I spent most of the drive with the heater on full blast to dry the seat but my jeans were the problem. They were drying but they were going to smell. With 19 minutes to spare and the knowing that would have to interact with the Rosemont Police Department I had to gain my composure. I had two wipes left and 15 minutes to left when I parked. I was dry but I had to make a decision. Would I smell like pee all night or run to target with my two wipes and go commando to this show? I start to run through Allstate Arena parking lot. I buy a pair of army looking pants and have my final wipe fest and GO! I throw my soiled pants in the trunk as I stopped looking at the clock. Somehow someway I make to my section with another beer in my hand as the pyro was going off. I didn’t miss any of the show, somehow avoided embarrassment, had some personal growth in one of my many experiences of using the bathroom against the clock.

A SOUL CONFUSION: LAURYN HILL

There has been many questions and controversy around Lauryn Hill and her recent tour. I am firm believer that the real story behind the artist can be told in their live performances. The sell out crowd at the House of Blues in Chicago on January 20, 2011 wanted some questions answered. What the hell happened to Lauryn Hill? The reports of Lauryn showing up late 2 hours to her shows and performing versions of songs that the fans do not recognize have caused some people to walk out of her shows in other cities. The show was advertised on Ticketmaster that Lauryn would hit the stage at 11pm. She presented herself right before midnight. The opening DJ was spinning classic Hip-Hop tracks to get the crowd hyped before the show. The tone the DJ set gave the fans the impression we were going to see classic Lauryn Hill tonight. This would not be the show everyone expected to see. Lauryn steers away from the traditional concert experience. She opens the show with a unrecognizable track that sounded strange to the ear. The one thing that was apparent was her voice is not damaged. She sounded like she never left the scene but she did not perform an opening act that would get the fans attention. The tracks that she presented seemed to purposely confuse the fans. There were moments when I glanced back to look up at the people on the balcony to see lost faces of confusion. I tried to keep my focus but I was getting lost in band and bizarre beady beats coming out of Lauryn Hill's mouth. I wanted to look into her soul to figure out the true message she was trying to communicate. I realized that her objective was to feed on our emotions. She knew everyone was on the edge of anticipation to hear classic Fugee and Miseducation tracks. This group wanted to see her succeed and were still cheered her on waiting and waiting for the moment. The classic Hip-Hip atmosphere was fading fast. It was like someone pulled the plug on the Neo-Soul of the 90s. I contemplated backing off the floor area because it was obviously clearing out. I decided to stay where I was because it was becoming comfortable which isn't what I am use to. The show escalated to an exaggeration of the Fugees and Lauryn Hill's only album. It became Lauryn Hill the musical with 10-15 minute versions of songs that seemed to have no ending. The fans wanted one simple thing from Lauryn Hill. They wanted to able to sing along and share a moment with the artist. She didn't deliver in that part. Watching the fans try to sing along was becoming painful and the effort of Generation Undefined was heartfelt. Does Lauryn Hill have a future in the music industry? The music wasn't bad. I heard a new genre of soul in the tracks she performed. I call it Futuristic Soul. It's a trippy sound that really fits into today's music. It's something that brings the funk back in today's music. I am just not confident that Lauryn Hill is the artist that will bring this sound into the mainstream. I started to dream about a budding artist with a voice that picked up on the genre on this cold night in Chicago. I hope that this artist will also remember how important it is respect the people that believe in you. Lauryn Hill's wasn't on drugs, she didn't yell out racial slurs, and this was a well organized performance. There were fans in attendance that loved the show but if anyone walked away with a better understanding of the artist and what she stands for I eagerly anticipate your interpretation. Lauryn Hill promised new music in the future. Could she possible be hinting toward that sophomore album we have all been waiting for? Curiosity and faith will keep Lauryn Hill from loosing one but there is an entire generation out there looking for a voice. The confusion and inconsistency of this artist shows she needs definition probably more than us.

THE 8R8s

THE 8R8 AWARDS

Welcome to THE 8R8s where we honor artists that continue to change the game and evolve with the times. There are no secret judges behind the winners this award. These categories and tracks were picked by the one writer. Live performances were heavy influences on the selection. The award shows that honor music stopped making sense to me years ago. I don’t have a problem with an artist that wins a Grammy. These kinds of music awards have honored musical legends and have been committed to history.  Their commitment to the past leaves me worried about music’s future. We all love Stevie Wonder but does he really need to be nominated in 2010 for Best Male Pop vocalist for a song we have never heard? This type of nomination is traditional to genre but doesn’t say much about current genre of pop. There has to be a reason behind the nomination process and maybe the artists and songs represent s us? I am sure there is an expert committee with a formula I couldn’t understand that can explain how nomination process works? The 8R8s are special artists, tracks, and songs that made this year feel like a dream.  My imaginary award show isn’t quite the defining moment of an artist’s career but this isn’t about the artist. The 8R8s are about the music that beats inside the heart of the fans.  An award winning song is still allowed to mean something? Record companies and members of the academy have created a hollow stage. They will honor the artists to influence the masses to sell to the tune of a meaningless song. The Most Important Night in Music is somewhere needs a more significant stage. 

HERE ARE YOUR WINNERS………

FUTURE TRACK FOR MANY YEARS TO COME
KEEP UP * HYPER CRUSH

There is only one Hyper Crush. They continue lead the electro moment as the industry tries to keep up. This track is surprisingly surfaced in the local dive bar I patronize. The song gets a great reaction. It really showcases the quality work this team can produce. You can hear all the mixtapes and live performances come together in this track. The First Lady of ELECTRO Holly Valentine shines bright as she spins me like record.  Donny shakes the ground lyrically and literally when he is in GO Mode.  Where does Preston get all of those crazy toys? The energy of this song is what makes it one of the best.

REMIX OF THE YEAR

BULLETPROOF * LA ROUX (HYPER CRUSH REMIX)

The song got some recognition from the industry. The fact that I never heard this remix in a Chicago-Land Area club or bar is a crime. I found myself doing the one knuckle click as I dodged bullets of fire in my head. Hyper Crush took a luke warm beat of really good song and made you move to the fire. Donny shined through the spit of his words on this track. He gives you that jump out your seat and start some shit flow. This remix was a strong candidate for track of the year.

BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST of the YEAR

THE FAR EAST MOVEMENT

I followed this group like many of you when they were themselves FM. We shouldn't shy away from a group just because they have a mainstream hit. We should give them props because Like a G6 helped the young Genre of ELECTRO. The fact that the Hip-Hop Community recognized this group’s skill makes them the new force in Electro and Hip-Hop. Welcome to Generation Undefined. I believe this group is here for reason.

BEST BEAT OF THE YEAR
CHRISTIAN DIOR DEMIM FLOW

* KANYE WEST * KID CUDI * PUSHA T * JOHN LEGEND * LLOYD BANKS * RYAN LESILE

This track really has it all. The fact that it was a collaborative effort shows that Kanye West continues to be a true leader in the music industry. This song is a reflection of what the G.O.O.D. Friday concept was all about. He offered a new track every Friday night. Yes sometimes the party runs into the next day which is cool because it kept us the fans on the edge of our seat. The soulful beat is humbling. There is nothing but emotion from the artist that came together on this track. This was one those tracks that stimulated my mind when I was traveling to the next concert. It made me think. This was my number one song of the year because it brought depth. It is hard to believe it's almost 7 minutes long because it keeps my imagination running into the next verse. Kid Cudi kills it at the end of this track and in my opinion really showed Hip-Hop he is a major player in the game.

TRUTH TRACK of the YEAR
POWER * KANYE WEST
Kanye shows actions speak louder than words. This was KANYE's best track since Jesus Walks. He leaves the listener knowing that he believes in these words. He ended his months of silence with track that recognizes the flaws in society. It takes you on a journey into the insecurities of every young man's heart. It is one thing to point the finger at society but Kanye points the finger at himself in this track. I have learned it is extremely difficult to recognize a problem within. It is even more difficult to put those insecurities and problems into your art and words for the entire public to examine. The fact that he was able to communicate this message in this track makes me respect man behind the artist Kanye is.
THE SYSTEMs BROKE AND SCHOOLs IS CLOSED THE PRISONs OPEN, WE AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO LOOSE MOTHER FUCKA WE ROLLIN...

CONCERT OF THE YEAR
THE HALLOWEEN SHOW * OCTOBER 31, 2010 * THE CONGRESS THEATER *CHICAGO, IL* 7:30PM
LMFAO * HYPER CRUSH * JUMP SMOKERS * THE FAR EAST MOVEMENT * NAPALM and others.

This was the culmination of everything the fans wanted to see from the genre of Electro. The super-show was Lead by the Kings of Party Rock LMFAO. This concert mean was a great moment for me as writer and as a fan.  I got the rare treat of seeing an artist rise to fame. The first time I saw LMFAO in Milwaukee, they performed on a small stage in club. I was pretty fucked up but lucky to interact. It was cool to drink and talk with the group while they were on verge of superstardom. I remember telling Skyy that Party Rock was going to be huge or at least that’s what I was trying to tell him cause that night was blur. I could feel their energy and fire plus they were already starts in my eyes. This leads me back to Halloween in Chicago. The show turned into a dream show and everyone was full costume from Mario Brothers, Astronauts, and Street Fighter. This was the very best of the genre. The Electro Movement was just a segway into the Revolution of music ahead. We need more innovated DJs and artists to stand up to radio stations and record companies to let them know change is in the air. History has shown us music can UNITE the people and CHANGE the world. We made a little noise but we can be LOUDER. The pages of Generations Undefined are being filled everyday by the normal people like me and you.  The message is simple.  Stand up for something and bring meaning to your words.

THE INFLUENTIAL IMPACT AWARD
USHER * O.M.G.
Usher has been on fire for most 2010. R&B and electricity do mix well together. Usher was one of the first mainstream artists to throw a little electro in the beat.  The W.I.L.L. IAM produced track still manages keeps all of its soul.  O.M.G. made an immediate impact in the clubs.  I felt out of place when I was front row at the Usher concert wearing a Hyper Crush T-Shirt but a few months later Usher got remixed by the group and kept his momentum going. Usher is an artist that thinks outside of the box. The industry may follow because of the success of O.M.G .but Usher deserves props for being one of the first artists to embrace the change.

ARTIST OF THE YEAR
KANYE WEST

Five Albums strong Kanye West continues to be the music industry's greatest anomaly. He managed to sell almost 500 thousand albums in his first week without even dropping a single.  Kanye’s fan base is very passionate about his music. There are people that think album is his comeback story. His true fans know that he never really left Hip-Hop. The fans that follow his music close know he has been changing the way we think about music since The College Dropout in 2004. Kanye West has the kind of universal appeal that offers listeners an education through soulful beats mixed with the truth. The G.O.O.D. Friday concept exceeded my expectations and opened my eyes on how music promotion is changing. The Runaway video was a beautiful compilation of his best album to date. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy picked up where the 808s left off. There were unanswered questions that needed to be addressed. He touches on what his fans want to hear. The passion behind his words brings definition to what he produces. Kanye is one of those rare people in life that as of yet has failed to disappoint. They say most geniuses are crazy or misunderstood.  Is this the Renaissance of Hip-Hop? Kanye West is leaders in music and this is why he is this year’s Artist of the Year.