TOILET TREES: NUMBER 2

There are some situations in life that you really have no control of. The Poo Diddy can often catch us by surprise. Nothing humbles a man more than those moments when he realizes what he just did and knowing there is only three one ply sheets of toilet paper left to clean it all up. I am just curious how many of us have done the booty walk of shame. You know when for whatever reason the napkins, paper towels or toilet paper is just too far away from the bowl and you have your pants down to your ankles. You have to make that walk to find something to clean yourself up with or yell to family member or friend, "We are out of toilet paper!" Then there are those messy moments when you miscalculate where you are whipping and...well you catch my drift. These are the things we as human beings want to forget but going to the bathroom is just a part of life. The main event of all my bathroom mishaps comes on date night. I cannot remember what exactly I was eating but I do remember halfway into the dinner my stomach started to hurt. I was in one those relationships where we never passed gas around one another and the thought of Number 2ing around each other was unheard of. You would think after 5 years of putting up with one another's shit one of us would have said the hell with it and dropped the bomb on the other the person in the shower but it never happened. This is what made the situation even more intense. I couldn't’t just drop my fork and excuse myself. There were social implications of paranoia in my head that this person would know that I was going to NUMBER 2. I had to squirm as long as I could as my stomach began to make funny sounds. The situation was building to the point where I could no longer eat my food. I was ready to explode! It was time make that walk and it seemed like everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. I started to notice the restaurant staff passing watching me with little smiles like they knew what was up. There was no time for a conspiracy theory though because I had to go. The bathroom door closes behind me and the only comfort I had was an empty bathroom. I wouldn’t have to worry about waiting because things were going to get real ugly real quick. I pace into the stall knowing that this would be a nail bitter. I check for the necessities clean seat, plenty of paper, empty bowl?…Empty bowl? Damn, okay just a little paper in it the bowl who cares what is under it right. I flush real quickly and then it happens. …The water begins rise. It was as if time stopped. I was in trouble there wasn’t going to me a miracle swoosh this time. There was no plunger in sight. The next 15 seconds would define the kind of man I would later become. I had never done the NUMBER 2 on myself and the thought of a NUMBER 2 of this caliber everywhere left me in a state of panic. I found myself right in front of the situation I had been accustom to leaving behind. Someone set me up. I knew once the toilet overflowed I was screwed. I was at a point where I was going to have the face the embarrassment of going on myself and having to explain to my date I pooped myself. I imagined the ride home and the awful smell. Then I realized I was going to have to be a man. The water had just about reached the lid when I reacted with my hand. I became a human plunger and unplugged the toilet...manually. I then proceeded to pull down my pants and have my Dumb and Dumber moment. I didn't look at my hands after works just washed them several times and went back to the table with a look of defeat. I told the story a few times but never went into detail until today. This was probably one of the more shitty situations I got myself out of in life. My date didn’t realize what happen and I avoided embarrassment once again. I truly believe these situations build character. You may not think you are learning anything at the moment of a crisis but how you react under pressure can save your ass...literally.
THE END?

TOILET TREES

There are certain things that you shouldn't talk about. Maybe it is because I grew up with nothing but sisters or had the perspective that it was dark evil my body expelled every time I went to the bathroom? For some reason I have noticed people are anal retentive when it come to going to the bathroom. It is a topic I wanted to wait to cover for that book I am always talking about but I started to notice when I told my stories of toiletries people often become uncomfortable and roll their eyes to forget the humorous things that happen to us when we go to the bathroom. I am going to talk some shit today. My colleague was caught off guard when I explained to him there is nothing worst when you are all showered and suited up, got about 6 minutes to spare when decide to sneak one in right before work. The time allocated for the Notorious NUMBER 2 is about the span of a cigarette for me. When the cigarette is complete it is probably time to start making harsh decisions about circumstances that are going to make you late. I always try to use just how many flushes and the survey the width of the toilet paper roll to determine how much time I have. The truth is my stories of tardiness may seem a bit farfetched but I am always honest about them. How do you call work and tell them you are running late because you just couldn't stop wiping your ass? This is why I have developed the cutoff point. It is when you tell your ass and mind that you aren't going to wipe it no more and program yourself to stop boo booing before you are late. It doesn't always work unfortunately and you have to know when to start your day over again and wash your ass. This honest attempt to male bond didn't really work. The guy looked at me like I just exposed a baboon butt and had toilet paper hanging from my tale. When I was about 8years old I remember overflowing my grandmother’s toilet and freaking out as I stood in a one inch of water with questionable things floating around me. I finally decided to ask my uncle for help who was visiting and I remember how pissed off he was. It was embarrassing and added to taboo around going to the bathroom. I remember laying my coat down in a very big stall overflowing the toilet and completely soaking my coat as I stepped away from the situation. Those were the situations I could walk away from. They became somebody else’s problem right? Don't get twisted it wasn’t because I keep plugging toilets up either because there is nothing worse than being dressed up with friends out and about and having to explain why your pants and shoes are wet because the goddamn urinal over flowed on you in mid stream and you didn't know what to do. There was this one time I was on my way to a wrestling show and I decided that the beer was too expensive at Allstate Arena in Chicago. I stopped on the Northside to get a buzz before the show because my cash flow was running low. Six beers later I was pretty trashed with 1.5 hours to spare before the show. I ended up in gridlock airport traffic and reach a point where I have to break the seal and go pee really bad. My only option was to slam the rest of the Monster Energy drink I had which made me have to pee even more and attempt one of my many blotched attempts to pee in a can. This had become a very intimate setting and my failed attempts to successfully complete this mission in the past were filling my head. I remembered the time that I cut myself on the can and lost control of the car while passing 2 cop cars. This was haunting me because I ended up wet from that experience. Since I was almost in park mode I could actually pull down my pant and lift my hips up while my foot was still on the break. The people around me in their cars started to notice. I was drunk and my only paranoia was making sure there were no police around. I developed the what he fuck are you looking at look to the people around. This shows this was becoming a normal event in my life when it came to alcohol and shows. I was doing well when my foot slipped of the break. This was a DUI just waiting to happen and the way the can was positioned on my crotch made it feel like the warmth made it feel like I was already peeing all over myself. I lost control of the situation quickly. I was left completely soaked in pee shirt to underwear. The cold of the wet started to kick in and of course traffic started to move. I was still on pace to make it to the show on time but I had to think fast. The normal person may have just ended the night but I was experienced with the term Hoe Bath and had a few supplies on hand. Baby wipes a small secret stash would eliminate the cleanliness factor. The underwear went out the window. I had taken off my hoodie before hand just in case which so I had a top to wear. Keep in mind I am driving while all this changing and cleaning was going on. There is nothing like going 90mph bare assed with one hand one wheel and a baby wipe in the other one. I could buy a new shirt at the show that was no problem which leads me to the pants situation. I spent most of the drive with the heater on full blast to dry the seat but my jeans were the problem. They were drying but they were going to smell. With 19 minutes to spare and the knowing that would have to interact with the Rosemont Police Department I had to gain my composure. I had two wipes left and 15 minutes to left when I parked. I was dry but I had to make a decision. Would I smell like pee all night or run to target with my two wipes and go commando to this show? I start to run through Allstate Arena parking lot. I buy a pair of army looking pants and have my final wipe fest and GO! I throw my soiled pants in the trunk as I stopped looking at the clock. Somehow someway I make to my section with another beer in my hand as the pyro was going off. I didn’t miss any of the show, somehow avoided embarrassment, had some personal growth in one of my many experiences of using the bathroom against the clock.