There are some situations in life that you really have no control of. The Poo Diddy can often catch us by surprise. Nothing humbles a man more than those moments when he realizes what he just did and knowing there is only three one ply sheets of toilet paper left to clean it all up. I am just curious how many of us have done the booty walk of shame. You know when for whatever reason the napkins, paper towels or toilet paper is just too far away from the bowl and you have your pants down to your ankles. You have to make that walk to find something to clean yourself up with or yell to family member or friend, "We are out of toilet paper!" Then there are those messy moments when you miscalculate where you are whipping and...well you catch my drift. These are the things we as human beings want to forget but going to the bathroom is just a part of life. The main event of all my bathroom mishaps comes on date night. I cannot remember what exactly I was eating but I do remember halfway into the dinner my stomach started to hurt. I was in one those relationships where we never passed gas around one another and the thought of Number 2ing around each other was unheard of. You would think after 5 years of putting up with one another's shit one of us would have said the hell with it and dropped the bomb on the other the person in the shower but it never happened. This is what made the situation even more intense. I couldn't’t just drop my fork and excuse myself. There were social implications of paranoia in my head that this person would know that I was going to NUMBER 2. I had to squirm as long as I could as my stomach began to make funny sounds. The situation was building to the point where I could no longer eat my food. I was ready to explode! It was time make that walk and it seemed like everyone in the restaurant was staring at me. I started to notice the restaurant staff passing watching me with little smiles like they knew what was up. There was no time for a conspiracy theory though because I had to go. The bathroom door closes behind me and the only comfort I had was an empty bathroom. I wouldn’t have to worry about waiting because things were going to get real ugly real quick. I pace into the stall knowing that this would be a nail bitter. I check for the necessities clean seat, plenty of paper, empty bowl?…Empty bowl? Damn, okay just a little paper in it the bowl who cares what is under it right. I flush real quickly and then it happens. …The water begins rise. It was as if time stopped. I was in trouble there wasn’t going to me a miracle swoosh this time. There was no plunger in sight. The next 15 seconds would define the kind of man I would later become. I had never done the NUMBER 2 on myself and the thought of a NUMBER 2 of this caliber everywhere left me in a state of panic. I found myself right in front of the situation I had been accustom to leaving behind. Someone set me up. I knew once the toilet overflowed I was screwed. I was at a point where I was going to have the face the embarrassment of going on myself and having to explain to my date I pooped myself. I imagined the ride home and the awful smell. Then I realized I was going to have to be a man. The water had just about reached the lid when I reacted with my hand. I became a human plunger and unplugged the toilet...manually. I then proceeded to pull down my pants and have my Dumb and Dumber moment. I didn't look at my hands after works just washed them several times and went back to the table with a look of defeat. I told the story a few times but never went into detail until today. This was probably one of the more shitty situations I got myself out of in life. My date didn’t realize what happen and I avoided embarrassment once again. I truly believe these situations build character. You may not think you are learning anything at the moment of a crisis but how you react under pressure can save your ass...literally.
THE END?
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